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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 10:03:18 GMT -6
"Daaadyyyy! But I don't wanna take a bath!" "Yes you do Joan! Stop running!" Three year old Joan Penelope Gidget Brown had just been told by her dad, John Peter Gidget Brown that she needed a bath. When she heard the 'terrible'news, she bolted under a table and started a mad goose chase. This had lasted for hours and hours! Sudden silence "I know you're in there little detective..." John called out He heard the high pitched sweet giggling he loved to hear cone from his daughter when he called her little detective. His daughter wanted to be a detective just like him when she grew up. As a result, he let his daughter come to work with him, as long as she didn't cause trouble or get hurt. He traced the giggling noise to the attic where he found his little angel hiding. She gasped and her big chocolate Brown eyes opened wide. "How did you find me!?"the young child exclaimed "I'm an inspector, remember darling?"he replied as he carried his daughter towards the bathroom and tucked a stand of her ink black hair that always stuck out to the sides behind her ear. 'Her eyes, so much like her mother...'the inspector thought "Inspector gadget!"his daughter chirped happily "Gidget, little detective, Gidget..." He replied as a smile came Across his face. 'I really got to teach her how to pronounce get 'i's!'he thought as he heard his little angel with a glitch giggle happily....
This thread will be used for short family moments which the inspector and Joan would flashback to in the future when i write my fanfic on Joan finding her dad in the future. Advice, feedback and comments are all appreciated!
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Post by Systemcat on Jun 21, 2017 10:42:18 GMT -6
Ok feedback time. That was short and cute. A bit sparse on details through but it worked for what it was. Now in learning experience, look back at it and see what can you add in to fill in more detail / more depth.
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 10:45:43 GMT -6
Oh wow! I did'nt notice that! Thanks a ton!!! I think I'll go and re-read and edit it now... THANKS FOR YOUR WONDERFUL ADVICE!!!*gives hug*
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Post by Systemcat on Jun 21, 2017 10:50:28 GMT -6
Hee hee welcome very welcome!
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 11:06:00 GMT -6
"Daaadyyyy! But I don't wanna take a bath!" the voice of a young girl could be heard screaming "Yes you do Joan! Stop running!" Three year old Joan Penelope Gidget Brown had just been told by her dad, John Peter Gidget Brown, after breakfast, that she needed a bath. When she heard the 'terrible' news, she bolted under the dining table, started squealing, and started a mad goose chase! This had lasted for what felt like hours and hours when it was only fifteen minutes. *Sudden silence* "I know you're in there little detective..." John called out in a sing song voice. He heard the high pitched sweet giggling he loved to hear come from his daughter which she ashtrays gave when he called her little detective. His daughter wanted to be a detective just like him when she grew up. As a result, he let his daughter come to work with him, as long as she didn't cause trouble or get hurt. He traced the giggling noise to the attic where he found his little angel hiding. She has curled up in a little ball to squeeze in the small attic. She gasped and her big chocolate Brown eyes opened wide. "How did you find me!?"the young child exclaimed "I'm an inspector, remember darling?"he replied as he carried his daughter towards the bathroom and tucked a stand of her ink black hair that always stuck out to the sides behind her ear. Her two bushy ponytails had apparently unravelled itself during the chase 'Her eyes, so much like her mother...'the inspector thought "Inspector gadget!"his daughter chirped happily She couldn't pronounce her 'gi's properly and therefore kept calling her dad gadget instead of gidget. "Gidget, little detective, Gidget..." He corrected Joan as a smile came across his face. 'I really got to teach her how to pronounce get 'gi's!'he thought as he heard his little angel with a glitch giggle happily.... This thread will be used for short family moments which the inspector and Joan would flashback to in the future when i write my fanfic on Joan finding her dad in the future. Advice, feedback and comments are all appreciated!
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 11:15:22 GMT -6
How about now? Thanks for commenting too! :-)
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Post by Systemcat on Jun 21, 2017 14:20:30 GMT -6
I had to re-read the first version and then move to the second one. Little note: it's confusing when I see something placed as a quote like that. Until I read version two I wondered if it was a re-posting.
I like it that you've expanded out a little from version one. I see detail as part of what makes for a good story. Unless you want to add more to this, here is the next thing I want you to do which will make reading easier on the audience.
Separate your text blocks. This helps immensely, being people can see with more ease what you have presented. I don't know if this practice is shared but I only work in blocks like that for rough example like outlining.
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 18:21:49 GMT -6
I had to re-read the first version and then move to the second one. Little note: it's confusing when I see something placed as a quote like that. Until I read version two I wondered if it was a re-posting. I like it that you've expanded out a little from version one. I see detail as part of what makes for a good story. Unless you want to add more to this, here is the next thing I want you to do which will make reading easier on the audience. Separate your text blocks. This helps immensely, being people can see with more ease what you have presented. I don't know if this practice is shared but I only work in blocks like that for rough example like outlining. Good idea....... THANKS AGAIN Now i have an idea on how to write AND add details AND separate text blocks! Thanks a ton again! You ARE the BEST : D
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Post by Systemcat on Jun 21, 2017 18:34:06 GMT -6
I had to re-read the first version and then move to the second one. Little note: it's confusing when I see something placed as a quote like that. Until I read version two I wondered if it was a re-posting. I like it that you've expanded out a little from version one. I see detail as part of what makes for a good story. Unless you want to add more to this, here is the next thing I want you to do which will make reading easier on the audience. Separate your text blocks. This helps immensely, being people can see with more ease what you have presented. I don't know if this practice is shared but I only work in blocks like that for rough example like outlining. Good idea....... THANKS AGAIN Now i have an idea on how to write AND add details AND separate text blocks! Thanks a ton again! You ARE the BEST : D Very welcome but bare in mind if the wanted format is prose based, don't forget the length paragraphs at a minimum should be and also what can be considered too long for them. I've had to in proof checking the need to break them up for consuming too much space as a block. The key to breaking up an oversized one is looking closely for a possible break point between actions taken or descriptions being given.
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 19:27:12 GMT -6
"Daaadyyyy! But I don't wanna take a bath!" the voice of a young girl could be heard screaming frantically.
"Yes you do Joan! Stop running!" her father called after her as he dodged a chair.
Three year old Joan Penelope Gidget Brown had just been told by her dad, John Peter Gidget Brown, immediately after breakfast, that she needed a bath. After all, the little girl had'nt taken a bath in what seemed like ages! The younger Brown had a particular distaste of water which might have rooted from her experience of dropping a cup of water on her dad's phone by accident once and seeing the phone be unable to work any longer. To make matters worse, her father said that his phone had 'died' and that made her have a phobia of water. When she heard the 'terrible' news, she bolted under the dining table, started squealing, and started a mad goose chase! This had lasted for what felt like hours and hours when it was only fifteen minutes.
*Sudden silence*
"I know you're in there little detective..." John called out in a sing song voice.
He heard the high pitched sweet giggling he loved to hear come from his daughter which she always gave when he called her 'little detective'. His daughter wanted to be a detective just like him when she grew up. As a result, he let his daughter come to work with him, as long as she didn't cause trouble or get hurt. He traced the giggling noise to the attic where he found his little angel hiding. She has curled up in a little ball to squeeze in the small attic. She gasped and her big chocolate Brown eyes opened wide. "How did you find me!?"the young child exclaimed "I'm an inspector, remember darling?"he replied as he carried his daughter towards the bathroom and tucked a stand of her ink black hair that always stuck out to the sides behind her ear. Her two bushy ponytails had apparently unravelled itself during the chase 'Her eyes, so much like her mother...'the inspector thought "Inspector gadget!"his daughter chirped happily She couldn't pronounce her 'gi's properly and therefore kept calling her dad Gadget instead of Gidget. "Gidget, little detective, Gidget..." He corrected Joan as a smile came across his face. 'I really got to teach her how to pronounce get 'gi's!'he thought as he heard his little angel with a glitch giggle happily.... Draft 3
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 20:33:35 GMT -6
Thanks for all The Advice systemcat! This is my first fanfic and I'm glad you liked it, I'll work on my other fanfics the same way, Thanks! I'll update this soon with more family moments! Arrivedeci, your fan Inspector TARDIS
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Post by Systemcat on Jun 21, 2017 20:40:21 GMT -6
Much much better but further breakup is needed. You have this down to working until what I call the final part which starts at -: He heard a high pitched :- Since it doesn't feel right to use the work of anyone here for example, I've taken this snippet from a public domain book. Professionally published, you'll see how text can be separated: ---- At once, with a quick mental leap, he linked the Thing with the flash upon Mars. The thought of the confined creature was so dreadful to him that he forgot the heat and went forward to the cylinder to help turn. But luckily the dull radiation arrested him before he could burn his hands on the still-glowing metal. At that he stood irresolute for a moment, then turned, scrambled out of the pit, and set off running wildly into Woking. The time then must have been somewhere about six o'clock. He met a waggoner and tried to make him understand, but the tale he told and his appearance were so wild--his hat had fallen off in the pit--that the man simply drove on. He was equally unsuccessful with the potman who was just unlocking the doors of the public-house by Horsell Bridge. The fellow thought he was a lunatic at large and made an unsuccessful attempt to shut him into the taproom. That sobered him a little; and when he saw Henderson, the London journalist, in his garden, he called over the palings and made himself understood. "Henderson," he called, "you saw that shooting star last night?" "Well?" said Henderson. "It's out on Horsell Common now." "Good Lord!" said Henderson. "Fallen meteorite! That's good." "But it's something more than a meteorite. It's a cylinder--an artificial cylinder, man! And there's something inside." Henderson stood up with his spade in his hand.
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 21, 2017 20:53:59 GMT -6
hmmm, GOOD IDEA I think I will use this method for my other fanfic moments as people who read this thread might be thinking why I kept on resnding the same family moment over and over... Thank You again, Your a BIG HELP your fan Inspector TARDIS * YAY * * SHE SAID MUCH BETTER* *SQUEALS*
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Post by Inspector TARDIS on Jun 22, 2017 2:36:38 GMT -6
( ok, since Joan will be 6 in this family moment, I'll do this from her POV) School part1
Hey guys! My name is Joan! Joan Penelope Gadget ( still can't say gidget) Brown. Today is my first day at school! It's SO exciting! My dad said that this was the exact same place he went to when he started to learn to be a de... di....didi...... UGGHHHH!!!! I'm sticking to inspector. I had just finished eating breakfast, getting ready for school and packing my bag of all the supplies I needed. My dad had gotten me a BEAUTIFUL dark blue sling bag for my first day of school! It even had a matching pencil case! That's what I love about my dad, always knowing what I like. I was wearing my favourite dark blue t-shirt with a white stripe across the top, light blue skirt and dark brown (sherlock style) coat with my collar up. I slung my bag across my shoulder and headed to my dad's light blue chevrolet spark and sat at the front passenger seat. My dad was already at the driver's seat waiting for me!
I looked to my dad and asked out of curiosity: "Daad, what is my school called?"
"It's called Metro City Private Elemetary school!" He said proudly, as he started driving " It's the exact same place I went to when I was just a young lad, Joan."
" Do you think the kids would like me?" I asked curiosly. I had'nt been to a school before you see.
" Of course they would! You're the smartest, prettiest most loyal young girl I have ever met. I'm sure everything would go just fine." He reassured me as he took a sharp left turn across a junction.
"Thanks Dad." I replied cheerfully. I knew that if my dad was so confident in me, I should be too.
My dad came to a sharp stop at the front of the school.We had just reach a huge, five story building with The words 'Welcome back to school!' wrtitten on a banner which was raised very high. There was a tall young lady who looked to be 26 years old with blonde hair and lime green eyes standing at the school entrance. She seemed to be wearing a plaid pencil skirt and a light pink shirt. She had just tucked something into her bag when she saw us which aroused my slight suspicion. She seemed to be waiting for us so I walked up to her and introduced myself. " Hello there, my name is Joan Penelope Gadget ( still stuttering on her 'gi's) Brown. I believe you are my new teacher for this year Miss Bianca. Might I remind you that smoking is bad for your health?" I told her
She looked shocked and her jaw dropped to the ground.
" My word! How did you know that? " She said astonished
I blushed and looked away as I replied " Its obvious really, for your name, it's on your name tag and your habit, I saw you tuck something in your bag and the burn marks in your thumb, index finder and third finger...."
My dad had jsut stepped out of the car as he looked to Miss Bianca and said:" Well then, now that you guys are introduced, I'd better be on my way then!"
Before he left, he bent down and looked at me in the eyes and said: " Penny, remember, You're my little detective Gidget, ok? Don't let anyone discourage you in school alright?"
" Yes Daddy!" I said as I giggled happily. Oh Wowzers, oh wowzers! This day is really going to be eventlful!
Part 1 over
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Post by Systemcat on Jun 22, 2017 9:16:17 GMT -6
You've made massive improvement since your first shot yesterday. Fast learner There is something I am not the best person to give advice on. I have always considered commas tricky. Now that isn't something I see you faltering with but you are interesting with your other punctuation marks. No worries, I think I scared a friend of mine ages ago when she first read my work. English isn't even her first language, but she knew I was making mistakes and volunteered to be my proof checker for the work. Please bare in mind what I speak of is over ten years ago at this point in time. Look at what you've written for how you've presented your punctuation marks and then compare it against something published in a novel. Also this is a site I've taken to using now that Windows doesn't have DOS support anymore for my favorite spellchecker. Copy & paste into the blank text field of this site what you've written and it will highlight all spelling mistakes. It will also give you various useful stats on what you've fed it: wordcounter.net/--------------------- I have to run off again now. I've been tapped for an offline job out of the blue I have to get cracking on. Not my idea I assure you. I'd rather just relax right now and be in AC.
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